I had planned on doing a write on breastfeeding a while ago, but what better time to share it than World Breastfeeding week.
Breastfeeding can be an incredibly personal and private journey, but it shouldn’t have to be. Scratch that, feeding your baby - not just breastfeeding. Everyone’s journey is different and that’s ok. It can be happy and filled with ease and joy, but they can also be very long and painful and filled with a lot of tears. This is my journey;
I knew when I got pregnant I wanted to breastfeed but not for the reasons one would assume. Honestly, I wanted to breastfeed so I wouldn’t incur the additional cost of buying formula and for the ease of going out so I wouldn’t have to pack formula, bottles and waterf. I did however prepare in case I wasn’t able to breastfeed. I signed up for formula samples and packed it in my hospital bag so I was prepared either way. And I was ok feeding my baby either way as long as they were fed (or so I thought at the time).
I was very fortunate when it came to breastfeeding, my milk came in early. Latching took a little bit of practice but within four days my son was back up and past his birth weight. However, in those four days I remember breaking down because my nipples were sore, and cracked. Each time the baby would latch I would wince and cringe with pain. My husband reminded me that it was ok and I was allowed to take a break to let my body repair itself and that’s why we had the formula, just in case, but I had to remind myself it was ok to use it. Apparently I felt more like I had to breastfeed than I originally thought. That’s the thing somewhere along the line we have been taught we should breastfeed and our bodies were made to do it therefore it is the only option. But that’s the thing not everyone wants to and not every body is able to.
A couple months after my son was born I joined a group called the Breastfeeding Cafe. It was a safe and open place where moms (new or not) could come together and support each other, not just on the topic of breastfeeding but taking care of a baby. There were also demonstrations around introducing solids, eye care, car seat safety - basically everything you would be googling anyways.Women would talk about how their nipples weren’t the right shape, or their babies had tongue ties that had to be clipped multiple times, or their supply was low and no matter what they tried they still couldn’t produce enough. One mom was so bound and determined to breastfeed and have the bond with her baby that she would wear this little purse around her neck with formula and delicately place skinny little tubes down her chest on to her nipples where her baby could suckle to promote milk production but would instead get formula from the tube.
After a while I started to feel ashamed because I didn’t have any issues with breastfeeding or supply. I didn’t want to share my story in fear that I would make someone feel bad about their situation. I had quite the opposite problem than most of the moms, I had an over abundance of supply, but I still had problems of my own (though I did not feel like I was allowed to complain).
Instead of trying different things to stimulate milk production, I was researching how I could breastfeed my son without choking him. See I had so much milk that I didn’t have any let down, it was just always there and it would come out like a fire hose (if you’re reading this and you have the same problem, recline back or lay on your back to feed and let gravity do its job). I also dealt with a lot of engorgement, and it was hard to go anywhere without needing to drag my pump along to give myself some relief. When my husband and I went on our first date after our son was born, I couldn’t even get through supper without needing to go to the bathroom and self-express into the sink.
It was a very different journey than most, and a good problem to have, but I was left feeling ashamed that it was “easy”.
On to baby number two. In the back of my mind I of course hoped I wouldn’t have issues breastfeeding and assumed based on my first pregnancy supply likely wouldn’t be an issue. Again however I tried to mentally prepare myself that every baby is different so don’t assume anything. Well if you read my previous post you will know that my daughter ended up with a tongue tie. This made breastfeeding for her incredibly exhausting that she could rarely get through a full feed without falling asleep. She was so exhausted in fact she could feed on and off for two hours falling asleep in between and still drink 3 or 4 oz from a bottle.
Before it was clipped I would be up in the middle of the night huddled on the floor in the living room, feeding my daughter and pumping at the same time. I was exhausted and an absolute wreck. My issues with breastfeeding were nowhere near the stories I have heard, so for you mamas who have stayed up for countless nights pumping and feeding, mixing formula, washing bottles, eating brewers yeast, drinking this and that and have take prescriptions only to feel like you have failed in someway, you have not. You are heroes and I am in complete and utter awe of you. Your perseverance and dedication cannot be touched and you have in no way failed your baby.
This time around I continued to produce more milk than my daughter was able to consume. This time however, I embraced my gift and shared it with those who needed it and wanted it. I found out about a couple different groups I could donate my milk through and I was excited to start sharing (and my husband was excited to clear out the freezer!). To date I have been able to donate somewhere around 1000+ ounces of milk, to put that in perspective that’s about 7 ½ cartons of milk (moooooo). I am so proud of my body and what it has been able to do for my kids and now others.
My breastfeeding journey continues still, as I have returned to work at only 9 months postpartum. I have been fortunate enough to start working for an incredible company that values family above all else and have created a safe and comfortable environment where I am able to take additional breaks during the day to pump, so I can continue my breastfeeding journey with my baby until we’re ready to stop. So now my breast pump has become a semi permanent fixture on my desk next to my computer. I will however be happy when I no longer have to listen to the sound of my pump and wash parts!
Remember to support your friends and sisters in their journey whatever that may look like and how ever different it is from yours and do not feel ashamed of your situation or how you choose to feed your baby. Fed is best. Period.
